The first trimester was completely a completely unexpected experience for me. I'd heard about morning sickness, mood swings, feelings of general yuckiness.
But I thought I'd be over the moon to feel all that because it would mean there is a baby coming. But it wasn't like that. It was a three month long bad feeling with no evening glasses of red wine in the bath.
Occasional sighs of relief when we heard a heartbeat, or saw an ultrasound. But there was no belly, and even though she was already growing inside of me, I didn't know her yet... I'd never seen her face in my meditative garden.* I couldn't even imagine her wriggling in a towel after a bath and then slipping around in those pyjamas that babies wear.. those ones that have feet sewn in them.
We were in Italy then too, which had lots of advantages. My brother was with us then. There was lots of fresh air, our paradise house. There was the option to just go and eat at Salva's Mum's place, which was lucky because my desire to cook was very low. Swims from the rocks in the crystal water in July, before the August crowds. Fried fish cooked fresh from inside a caravan and served at plastic tables on the shore.
Then there was the immense amount of work to be done. The jewelry selling on the hot beaches that left me about ready to faint, daily. Then the tour with AzzBand that meant leaving for performances every day for 8 days at 5pm, and returning at 4am. The desperation of trying to find something edible at strange hours in strange Pugliese cities to try to ward off the nausea. (read: prevent projectile vomiting) The lack of art supplies, and my books, studio, paints and paper stuff. I wasn't feeling very inspired but I probably really needed more than ever to be making.
That is actually what all this writing is supposed to be about. I feel like I've got it back. The inspiration that is. The need to paint and make, and do. I'm happy when I get something done. Anything.
So I wrote this post just to get it written down here, that way, the next time I feel so sluggish I'll know it isn't forever.
*My prenatal yoga sessions include a meditation on the baby, where I'm guided to transport myself to the garden in my soul and find myself there with my new family... Strangely this meditation always transports me from the meditation room to... another meditation room. It's a glass studio added to a converted warehouse we saw in the countryside just out of Dublin (which is where S took the above photo, incidentally...) That is my soul's garden....